27 January 2018. It’s You.

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If you asked me five years ago, on a regular Saturday morning such as this, anything having to do with dating or coupling (outside of business or creatively contributing to something) or, God forbid, Love and such, I would have quickly changed the subject to you, your life and goings–on; or my daughter or our home or my employment (or my employer) or a movie we should see at the Cinema Arts Center (because likely, I had already seen it, alone, and will always tell someone when something is really worth the price of the ticket.)

What we would *not* have talked about was “r e l a t i o n s h i p.”

Strung out letter-by-letter because after divorce – those of us once-married (remove the ‘i’ and you’re “marred”, if you didn’t already notice) are somewhat loathe to jump back into the dating pool, let alone broach the subject at all. So, we literally d r a g it out (or avoid the word and idea altogether.)

Five years ago, single-mothering my then-14-and three-quarters-year old offspring, in a too-big (and cold) old house with indoor/outdoor cats and a puppy with the worst case of PTSD – ever – we would NOT have talked about Match.com or Plentyoffish or speed-dating or blind dates or group dinners or meetup.com or meeting someone in church or taking a class or doing another show or volunteering (I was already doing that) or how involving myself with yet another oddball-people-project adult male who needed more help and more ego-massage than anyone in their right mind would ever take on would be really stupid (but oh so familiar. And easy.) I would have to be NUTS to get involved with anyone again – be they near or hundreds of miles away. I was done and comfortable knowing I would be my nephew’s ‘crazy Ant Jaye’ until the title aged-out as he aged-up.

And, yet…here we are.

We do not use the word “r e l a t i o n s h i p”.  We use “partnership”.

We do not talk about getting married, though people who don’t know us refer to the other partner as “your wife” and “your husband”.  It’s funny.

We do not cling to each other the way we might have, earlier, younger, when one might believe the more time you have together the better things get and nothing could possibly go wrong if you lost yourself in another person losing themselves, too.

We do not lose any part of our Self from being part of something together. And that is the very biggest treasure: I get to be me, He gets to be He, and we get to be we, how ever we see fit.

Oh, hello, it’s you. It’s going to be you.

And how delighted I was to have that realization strike, just about five years ago, dead center in my chest, when meeting you for the first time, as adults, in the middle of Penn Station in the middle of New York City in the middle of our lives. It was very different than when we met, briefly, at 13 and 15; fish in the pond.

Hello, it’s you.
Happy Five, this Friday.
ox

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A Day Off… Aug. 25, 2017

Funny. Today’s horoscope said I have lots of focus and drive (in fact, almost too much), and feel compelled to use that flow to get a lot done for myself.

Currently, my imagination is FULL of focus (on 15 different projects and tasks, and in my mind, I am doing them all at once, with stellar results).

The path of least resistance would be, of course, to finish getting dressed and simply begin something – anything.  But, no.

“Simply begin” sounds so perfectly simple, doesn’t it? Yet, it feels, today, tidally overwhelming and as if beginning, even with the smallest movement, one might risk drowning. I believe that is a sign of stress or burnout or, dare I say, boredom?  Some conversation I was part of long ago defined procrastination, stalling, not-beginning as a form of perfectionism.

Rather than begin anything (since, today, that is somehow weighted with expectation of brilliant conclusions replete with finish line, applause and accomplishment that push against my confidence), i choose to wander aimlessly from idea to idea and hope to land upon something satisfying.

Including writing sentences that last a full paragraph. That just might do, for today.

 

Truthfully, part of it is anger.  At myself, for giving up a precious day off, yesterday, to help another in distress.  While working on saying “no” more often, I say “yes” when, were I in the other’s place, would hope for help. This fellow was begging for help and since no one else offered after a week of asking, I helped.

My sister said it was “kind hearted” of me to help.  Maybe, but it was the right thing to do, regardless of how tired I feel today, on my one day off…which I really should not whittle away complaining about thing, should I?  That would defeat the whole day.  And that is just now how I want to feel, defeated.

Off to dress and see what’s what.