Somewhere in this heart
beneath all my grief and pain, churning confusion and waves of disbelief I know you found the path to leave
To let go and sigh
into the mighty arms of the Universe where you will find the deepest Love
and the purest welcoming
All for you
Lean into it and let it
Our relationship, meant to bring joy and heal the frustrations and mysteries of conception,
was complicated and bonded and turbulent.
It was also rewarding and dynamic, unique, powerful, and probably terrifying to others.
Above everything, it was shared.
We, you and I, were a ‘we’ for quite some time.
We had our own dance, our own silences.
We had magnificent accomplishments; a quick awkward hug, a monumental apology long-overdue, they mattered in the grand scheme of our ‘we’.
We also had a desire to please each other, albeit each with different reasons as to why it was important to be accepted by the other: you wanted to create a family and I happened to be free for that engagement.
As a new mother, you hoped to be accepted, by me, as my mother. You hoped I would need you, trust you, love you back as only a baby can. You worked hard for that trust.
As a 13-month-old, I’m guessing I wanted to feel safe and have security and recognizable people and a home, though I couldn’t have voiced these wants at the time.
You so desired a family. I helped.
Our differences, our disappointments and disapprovals of each other’s choices were some of our strongest adhesions.
Our love of the same people just as strong.
Both kept us together.
And, the sometimes difficult and awkward love between us did, too.
Our home will always be where I was raised, my family,
where there was, and still is,
much love and goodness,
despite the way I harp on our past. That is my failing: to make peace with being unwanted and to accept those chapters of my life were not your fault.
I hope you are safe and sound in your new place among the stars, where the heavens will soften the landing and welcome you home.