Because the Middle of Week Five (is When I Begin Falling Apart) (apparently).  Part I.

Screw the polite.  (Not as far to where I’d actually use an f-bomb but screw it farther than normal for now, for me.)

Today, at work – work, and coworkers, I have adored since Day One and if I didn’t have people to come home to I’d have already figure a way to be there 40+ hours a week – I received a thump from a coworker.  Nothing I couldn’t handle but it smacked of control and baggage (hers not mine) and it left me feeling like crap the rest of my shift.

Yes, I stood up for myself.  Yes, when she interrupted then loudly insulted me in front of 50 guests/customers, I held it together.  Yes, I told her it WAS humiliating.  And when she refuted that, saying, “No, it wasn’t humiliating” in utter dismissal of what I’d just verified, I assured her it was; that I’d been on the receiving end of her commentary while she’d been on the delivery end.  She.continued to brush off my feelings, completely.

It was at that very moment – the moment of dismissal and belittlement – the fingers of my right hand curled into a fist, which I immediately tucked behind my back and held calmly with the other palm.

I wanted to bust her right in the nose for being so bossy and insensitive.  Ironic, no?

Generally, I’m not a fighter.  A stewer, yes.  I can swallow things that bother me for weeks, letting them stew.  At some point they either fade away or they boil over.  Today, neither happened.  I stayed present and fairly relaxed and was able to recognize my emotion as it bloomed.  It didn’t get out of hand or cripple me – as it usually does.

I have to return there in the morning.  No idea whether we are scheduled together but a good night’s sleep will be beneficial.

So, good night.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. JRF says:

    That’s what falling apart looks like?! I don’t mean to perpetuate the dismissal and belittlement at all. I ask that seriously, given your account of how you responded, if not reacted.

    That all said, I’m sorry that you were on the receiving end of someone else’s shit, especially in front of other people who don’t know you well enough to make their own assessment of the context. Damaged people with deep, unmet needs, are everywhere, not just in NY!

    1. Dar Dawson says:

      Thanks for the perspective.

      This is the latest in a small string of conflagrations I’m having a small bear of a time with, right now. They’ll pass. This one threw me for a loop, though I did have her number. I’m better prepared now – that’s the upside. Thanks for the squeeze. ox

      1. JRF says:

        Oh, your sense of your perfect world (my take, not your words) makes more sense if this was just one of several incidents/situations. Sorry you’re dealing with that. I actually came back here to edit out the last 4 words of my response above. Too late! Hope this new day is a better one.

      2. Dar Dawson says:

        Today, I make a conscious change to appreciate the mild challenges on the path. They really are mild. Brick and gravel. Not fatal. (Sounds good, right?!) LOL!

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